GLEAMING THE CUBE
by Neil Rhodes


Wrestling is fake and monsters are real. Welcome to The Onion of wrestling events. Ever wonder what really smart people with no time for college or Hollywood do for a living? Well, aparently it's Kaiju. There is more genius in five seconds of this stuff than in an entire Pay-per-View of WWE.

I trembled in some kind of fear/anticipation of an interview with Dr. Cube, six-sided evil mastermind and would-be master of the Kaiju Big Battel. (And, just in case you are wondering, that's how they spell it.) So I thought up some, what I thought to be, some pretty thought-provoking questions... there is a reason I am not paid to think...


What is the best recipe for preparing tasty monster meat?
 "Nice try, the Dr.’s secret recipe is the most sought-after formula in the food industry.  All I will tell you is that the fresher the kill, the tastier the meat."

What is your doctorate in?
 "Can I make it through one measly interview without some college dropout asking me this foolish question?  I’ve granted you five questions and you’ve already wasted two of them.  Grab your Journalism for Dummies book and ask me something legitimate."






What's the average rainfall of the Amazon Basin? And if so,
where do you think he gets his milk?
"Next Question. Quick, before I decide to leave."




Mexico has a pretty strong group of professional fighters known as Lucidores.
Do you fear any future confrontation with them?
"Mexico’s high-flying wrestlers, known as Lucidores are about 4’6” on average.  My posse of giant city-crushing monsters towers over skyscrapers. Do the math. I have a calculator you can borrow if you know how to use one."









What do you do to get ready for a fight?
And then how do you come down after the fight?
 "Like all evil geniuses, I have my monsters do my fighting for me. If I ever do encounter the situation where I need to get into a round of fisticuffs, my malpractice technique is ever ready. After a Big Battel, I come down by laughing."












Yeah, so, um...let's see you do better, jerk! I went 5 rounds with one of the most diabolical evil scientists in the world...and lived to see my humiliation in print.

I think I need to go home to a bubble bath, some hot cocoa, and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Then put on my fuzzy slippers and watch some Sex and the City. *sniffle* I'll see you later...





 

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