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by the DRUNKEN IRISHMAN
Every four years, we as a people are subjected to the twin joys of summer in America, the Olympic games and Presidential Elections. Both have that peculiar group who revel in this time, and are glued to their televisions for every main event. The air is filled with third-rate rap stars, B-list Hollywood luminaries, and Bono telling me of the importance of my vote. Yet voting tends to be viewed much like a trip to the dog track. We go to the booth and place our bets, and then we watch the race on a TV later to see if our dog won. The thought that goes into most of our votes does not really stretch far beyond Election Day itself. Every year Cool Mo Dee, Billy Baldwin, and the cast of The OC might tell you that every election is important, yet the previous and current Presidential elections have actually lived up to their public service announcement billing. That is why the Irishman, who is actually a U.S citizen entitled to vote in the coming election, will take you on a wondrous journey to see the future.
The world of the future that we will be visiting is the one you should anticipate if your vote in the Presidential dog race produces a winner. The world that we live in should the Senator from Massachusetts win in November will be unbearable for conservatives to live in. They will be as insufferable as they were during Clinton, if not more so. Look for sarcastic "Don’t blame me I didn’t vote for a terrorist like Kerry" bumper stickers to be adorning gigantic SUV’s slathered in American flags. Rush Limbaugh might even have to return to gobbling painkillers from the stress. The Republican Congress will begin Impeachment hearings roughly two days after Mr. Kerry’s inauguration, and the fair and balanced wonders at Fox News will again return to attacking the occupant of the White House instead of worshiping him. The towering indignation that conservatives find so shocking when directed at Mr. Bush, will be astounding in its breadth toward Kerry. Yet those of you out there, who eat and sleep with your hatred of Dubya, should not be surprised by what you get in return. Those with enough time to actually look through the proposed policies of John Kerry might be surprised to find that they look strikingly like that of his opponent. If I told you that George Bush wanted to increase the size of the Army, lower corporate income taxes and was in favor of invading Iraq you would not be surprised, but those are Kerry’s positions as well.
George W. Bush’s positions are not shared by a majority of Americans, and would get even more extreme should he win his first Presidential election this November. Where at least Kerry seems to listen to reason once and a while, which is what conservatives refer to as flip-flopping, Bush seems proud that he sticks to failed policies no matter what. Even true conservatives are embarrassed to vote for a draft dodger that treats the government’s credit with the same regard as a Ponte Vedra socialite loose free in the Avenues Mall. The future of the country under Bush would be one devoid of the evils of naked women, civil liberties, or Democrats. We can look forward to having Lee Greenwood and Darryl Worley shoved down our throats, and more awesome wars. With four more years of trips out to the ranch in Crawford, maybe that kicking cowboy look from the mid-seventies will finally take hold of the national consciences. Given another four years of conservative rule, you can look forward to more three-time divorcees educating you on the sanctity of marriage. Our trust as a nation will be placed back in the hands of that segment of our society that has always shown that they held our well being above all else, the rich. Our nation as a whole would continue on its journey back to the 1950s.
The path that our Nation takes from this point is important, and anyone can understand that without the help of Neil Patrick Harris or Dave Matthews. Yet the paths that are open before us are not as appealing as they are usually made out to be in fourth grade American history textbooks. Even Ralph Nader is nothing but a Republican funded distraction this time around. That is why I offer myself as your humble servant this November. It is always said that many people died to give you this right that you will exercise on Election Day, and those brave men and women could not have known that they were fighting to give you a choice between these two men. So make that trip to your local elementary school or synagogue after work, do your patriotic duty, and cast your ballot for the Drunken Irishman. I am the Drunken Irishman, and I approved this column.
- the DRUNKEN IRISHMAN
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Hi, Movement - my name is Jason P. and I'm a novelist and travel writer based in Chicago. I just wanted to thank you for the illuminating and lengthy interview with Skinny Puppy in your latest issue. As a crusty old man of 35, I rarely have the energy to keep up with the industrial scene anymore; back in the 1980s, though, when I was in high school and college, my friends and I were huge fans of the first wave of bands in the movement, and Skinny Puppy was at the top of all our lists. It's heartening to see a band I loved so much in my youth decide to start recording and touring again, and it was a real treat to come across your magazine and get to read about all the things they've been doing in the interim. I look forward to your next issue.
Jason P.
p.s. In case you're curious, I came across your magazine at Chicago's Uptown Borders bookstore
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